Articles of Faithlessness
of the Church of the Liberal-Dissenting Scholars
by that most prolific of authors, Anonymous
1. Some believe that God is the Son Jesus Christ, and that the Holy Ghost is the Great Mother Eloher.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their patriarchy, and for dead white European males' transgressions.
3. We believe that the atonement of Christ is neo-orthodoxy, and that all people will be saved, regardless of the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of liberalism are: first, tolerance for diversity; second, academic freedom; third, psychoanalysis for the dismissal of sins; fourth, political activism and the right to an abortion.
5. We believe that women must be given the priesthood.
6. We believe in the same organization that exists in the late twentieth-century Liberal Church, namely, scholars, intellectuals, feminists, homosexuals, journalists, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of an annual subscription to Dialogue and Sunstone, in the reinterpretation of texts, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be an ancient text as far as it is interpreted correctly by agnostics; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be.
9. We believe all that scholars have revealed, all that they do now reveal, and we believe that they will yet reveal many great and contradictory things pertaining to just about everything.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Sunstone, and in the publications of Signature Books; that Zion (the Sunstone Conference) will be held in Salt Lake City; that intellectuals will rain personally upon the Church; and that the Church will be renewed and receive its liberal credentials.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping the Almighty Mother according to the fantasies of our own conscience.
12. We believe in being subject to no one.
13. We believe in equivocation, skepticism, hypocrisy, bleeding hearts, hyperbole, and in generally whining about the Church; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Korihor-"ye cannot know things which ye do not see." If there is anything liberal or trendy in news reports, we seek after these things.